A healing exercise

When looking for emotional health, the first place to start is healing the relationship with our parents. The following exercise, when done in a gentle loving mood, can be very beneficial in this regard. I would recommend it for anyone who is looking for harmony in his or her life.

In your mind’s eye imagine your Father and Mother standing before you, looking at you with love.

Say to your Father:

I accept all the gifts that you gave me – all of them. I accept them at the price you paid, and that I too am paying. I shall do something wonderful with this life in your honor. In this way your life shall not have been in vain. I will hold onto this life and honor it, and when I can I will pass it on as you passed it on to me. I take you as my Father and you can have me as your child. You are the right one for me and I am the right one for you. You are the big one, I am the little one. You give and I receive. I am happy that you have chosen Mother. The two of you are the right ones for me – only you!

Then turn to your Mother and say:

I accept all the gifts that you gave me – all of them. I accept them at the price you paid, and that I too am paying. I shall do something wonderful with this life in your honor. In this way your life shall not have been in vain. I will hold onto this life and honor it, and when I can I will pass it on as you passed it on to me. I take you as my Mother and you can have me as your child. You are the right one for me and I am the right one for you. You are the big one, I am the little one. You give and I receive. I am happy that you have chosen Father. The two of you are the right ones for me – only you!

Holistic healing

Family constellations are a way of healing difficult issues in a person’s life. However, when working with family systems the purpose is to find healing and strength for the system as a whole, not only for the individual. This approach helps the individual because he or she is also a part of the system. Threfore, we do not consider the good of the client separately from the good of the whole system. Sometimes people resist this path. They feel that if they include everyone then they will be vulnerable and get hurt. Interestingly enough, in family constellations this is not the result of including everyone.

The Orders of Love

The “Orders of Love” form the basic framework for systemic work (family constellations). These orders refer to principles of attitude and behavior that affect all relationships. Simply stated the orders are:

1. Love

2. Order

3. Balance

In order to experience healthy relationships, we need to have all these ingredients present in a state of proper equilibrium.

Here, “love” means things like affection, compassion, acceptance, and leniency.

“Order” refers to the natural ordering in a family according to seniority – i.e. who came first. This means that those who come before are given precedence and respect by those that come later. This also refers to the principle that older ones give, smaller ones take. In a parent / child relationship this especially refers to the giving and receiving of life. The parents give life to the child, the child receives that life. In other relationships, such as in a marriage, both partners give and receive more or less equally.

“Balance” refers to fairness. If someone has done something wrong, then they should pay for that wrong. Similarly, if someone does something right then they should be rewarded for it. In intimate relationships the “payment” should be a little bit less that the wrong and the “reward” should be a little bit more. This creates a healthy and loving balance.

In order to make sure that loving relationships are maintained nicely then all these ingredients must be present in an appropriate way. Affection without respect, balance without love, or order without balance creates problems in relationships and in the greater system.

Family constellations

Since I have already discussed some things about Somatic Experiencing and EFT it seems a good moment to introduce family constellations.

Since sometimes the problems we experience in life are fed by systemic entanglements or “generational trauma” then we need a technique that addresses this area. Family constellations are an effective technique for dealing with these kinds of issues. Generational trauma happens when a previous generation suffered tragic events and couldn’t deal with it. The trauma then gets passed on to following generations until someone further down the line acknowledges it and deals with it. Family constellations make these generational entanglements visible and conscious. When one has an open heart and can honor the fate of family members there is the possibility of healing these entanglements.

Constellations do not address superficial issues. They deal with life and death. With constellations we are not interested in dwelling in the past. Only when we see that someone is not present in their life do we search out the blocks from the past. Family constellations can work with those blocks, and free the person up so that they can be in the present and live their life to the full.

Life comes to us from Lord Krishna through our ancestors and parents. Life is like a river. If we follow the flow then everything is smooth and easy. However, if we fight against it we become tired and weak.

I find that the experience of family constellations is better than the description of it. Therefore, if anyone is interested in this work, I would recommend that they find a practitioner and take part in a constellation themselves.